Resolutions, reflections, musings...

So, just before the new year, my friend Sara sent an email asking for resolutions, musings, predictions, etc. for this coming year/decade. I sent a list of questions, but didn't answer myself, and now that I have my blog, I think it's the perfect place to do such a thing.

Here you have it:

1. What's the very best thing that happened to you last year (2009)...the last decade??

(First of all I just want to say that although this question seems cheesy or simple, really it's a good exercise. For me, anyway, when I start to try to think of the BEST thing that happened to me--in a day or a month or year--I always end up with a list that's difficult to narrow down to just one thing; it makes me realize that A LOT of good things have happened. So it's an exercise to help focus on the positive things in life)

With that said, I must say that I cannot point out one simple thing as being the "very best thing" from last year. I got married, that was great! But better than the wedding itself was just how many people I care about were able to make the trip across the Atlantic--my sisters, parents, second mom, freshman roommate and best friend. Then there were my friends from here in Europe who came. We had representation from Germany, Belgium and Switzerland! The waiter at the bar where we had tapas several times pre and post wedding, said it was like the United Nations in La Roda...almost. :)

I showed pictures of the wedding to a coworker in Casariche just a few weeks ago and she was amazed. Aside from the fact that she'd never seen me without glasses, much less with make up, she was impressed by the number of "my" people who came to the wedding considering that it's a 12 hour flight. Her comment was, "They really love you." And it's true. I am loved and I'm so grateful for it.

Thank you.

So in 2009, I guess my wedding takes the cake (which, by the way we forgot to eat!); but what about the decade?

It's hard for me to believe that ten years ago I was a Junior in high school! I feel sooooo removed from that time in my life, nevertheless ten years doesn't seem like that much time. I suppose in years, it really isn't much time, but when I think about all that's changed for me since February of my junior year at P.H.S. a decade seems like a lifetime in and of itself!

Wow... the best thing in ten years time? So hard to choose. A few come to mind right away: making it to the C.A. State cross country race my senior year in H.S.; going abroad my junior year at Pacific; spending a year post graduation living with Yaprak in Portland; falling in love (!); all the traveling I've done (nine countries in ten years...not bad, eh?).

Those are just some of the "best" things, but I can think of a lot of other things that made me happy this decade: road trips with H.S. friends; making unforgettable friends at college; long runs with my girls; Tuesday brunches; discovering Sara Petrocine ;); my senior year with the language assistants in Vandervelden; getting to know my cousins (Matt, Sarah, Shawna) better; Forest Park in my back yard; my colt; Ranch Skills class with my mom; Cowboy Poetry; laughing with my sisters (usually at my mom!). ;)

The decade hasn't been at all bad, has it?

2. What's the worst thing that happened to you? (year/decade)

The worst thing that happened to me, without a doubt was when my sister died. Once again, time is a tricky thing: it feels like ages ago that I was teasing her, talking to her, laughing with her...yet, this time ten years ago, she was alive.

I can't believe it.

Somehow being a full decade makes it more pronounced...perhaps because it really isn't that much time; I feel as though there must be some way to turn back these past ten years and tell her not to get in that car... or at least to relive a month or two with her again.

I miss you, Emily.

Thinking about what I was doing ten years ago today...Wow, I know EXACTLY what I was doing: making candy grams (fund raising for prom!) with Miriam on the floor in her living room with the fire going and music playing... Anyway, being able to picture my life so exactly on February 12, 2000, makes me feel her absence that much more now and looking back at these past ten years.

How many times have I wanted to share something with her? Or remind her of the time when...? How many times have I fought to hold onto our mutual memories that are slowly fading away.

When there's no one to remember with, it isn't easy to keep things straight, or even remember at all. And every time I think that anyone I've met after August 22, 2000 can and will never know my sister, a sadness comes over me that I can't find words to describe. It might be the most helpless feeling in the world.

3. Describe one situation over the past year, where you reacted to somthing/said something/did something/provoked something, where if you had the chance to change the outcome, you would. What would you change? What do you wish the outcome had been?

High school graduation. Valedictorian speech with my three best friends from H.S. Details aren't important anymore, but the those of you who were there know that in the days prior to graduation things were said and done that nearly destroyed one of those friendships for good.

If I could go back in time, I would never have made that phone call. I wouldn't have said what I did. I wish that it had never happened, because the consequences lasted for the better part of the decade.

It took a long time for those wounds to heal, and in the healing process, we lost a lot of valuable time together. I think we cut ourselves off from each other at a moment when we most needed old friends--entering freshman year college. So much changed for us that year that almost without realizing it, we grew further apart than either of us ever wanted or intended.

I'm still sorry it happened that way.

4. Choose a theme (song, saying, line from a poem...or just something you make up!) for the past year. Explain it.

Camintante, son tus huellas el camino y nada mas; caminante, no hay camino, se hace camino al andar. Al andar se hace camino y al volver la vista atras se ve la senda que nunca se ha de pisar. Caminante, no hay camino, sino estelas en la mar.

-Antonio Machado

I think this excerpt from a Machado poem is appropriate for many reasons. He was Sevillano...and that's where my "camino" has lead me in the end. I read the poem for the first time when I took a Spanish literature class in Granada my year abroad. It just so happened that the previous semester I'd been in Doyle Walls' poetry class, and was probably therefore, a lot more open and interested in poetry in general. The words struck me then, but now when I read them, especially given this blog post, they seem poignant and representative of my decade:

"Traveler, your footprints are the path and nothing more. Traveler, there is no path, a path is made as we walk. As we walk we make a path, and when we look back, we see the trail we'll never walk again. Traveler, there is no trail, rather a wake over the sea. " (that's my own translation)

There is no destiny, no grand plan; we each must find our own way and when it's over, all we can do is look back at where we've been and realize that there's no going back. It's melancholy, but liberating, and I think, very beautiful.

5. What's something you want more of in the new year? How about less of?

I want more time in the kitchen, cooking with my girl. Can you get enough of that? I love diving into a new recipe with Angelines helping me chop, stir, clean and, of course, taste the results; that's not to mention eating what we make!

Less? I suppose I want less worry, less stress. A lot of times I bring stress on myself by not keeping things in perspective. But really not a lot comes to mind that I want to cut down on.

6. What's something new that you learned in 2009? What's something new you want to learn in 2010?

Hmmm... In 2009 I learned how to make my own vanilla extract! I also learned a lot of new Sevillanas (songs). I learned how to mix my own paint colors (I've got one wall that's proof of my learning curve when it comes to being sure the colors are WELL mixed). I learned (or perhaps discovered is a better word) how damp and cold a Spanish piso can get...and also I learned just how hot it gets in Andalucia in July! And perhaps more importantly, I learned how to cut jamon (Iberian cured ham). I'm no expert, but I'd say I cut a passable plate of jamon. :)

I would like to learn German in 2010. I would like to learn some easy/cheap ways to decorate my little piso. I'd like to perfect my Sevillana dancing.

7. Think about what you were doing ten years ago today. Did you ever imagine you'd be where you are now? Have these ten years gone according to some plan? Or have they fallen randomly into place? Where do you think you'll be in 2020?

I think I've sort of answered this question already.

If you had asked my 16 year old self, where she'd be in ten years time, "Married in Spain" wouldn't have been the answer. Ha! I think my only knowledge of Spain at that point in my life was the little I'd seen in Destinos in Mr. Hardy's Spanish class! Wow. That's hard to believe.

Thinking of how incredibly unaware I was ten years ago of this place that is now my home, begs the question, what don't I know now that in 2020 will be so glaringly obvious as to appear an inevitable part of my "camino"?

Obviously, I can't say. Perhaps nothing. Perhaps life in my thirties will settle down and there won't be so many unexpected twists and turns. I think it's true that from 16-26, there are a lot more changes in a short amount of time than at other points in life... but I don't really know what I'm talking about, do I?

8. What's the most difficult decision you made last year?

Funny how being faced with the superlative (and the obvious advantage of hind sight), tough decisions seem to be less important. I suppose the most difficult decision I made last year was to get married here in Spain. Although I'm happy here and love Angelines dearly, deciding to live in a foreign country is a big and hard decision. I'm not sorry I made it, but it wasn't easy at the time.

9. Where have you traveled in the last decade? Where do you want to go in the next ten years?

I told you nine countries. In order of travel the list reads thusly:

-England (drama class)

-Ireland (visiting Shelan on her study abroad)
-Belize (tropical bio class)
-Spain (my own study abroad)
-Belgium (visiting Fanny while on my year abroad)
-India (visiting Miriam over Christmas on her exchange)
-Canada (a weekend with Yaprak in Vancouver for a psych. convention)
-Turkey (visiting Yaprak after a year working in Spain)
-Italy (New Year 2008 with Gabrielle and Nancy in Monopoly)

And on my list for these next ten years are Chile and Thailand as definite must-sees...The rest of my travels (I'm assuming there will be more), I'm willing to let come of their own accord.

10. What's your favorite song/movie from this past year?

I really liked The Mysterious Case of Benjamin Button... and no song comes immediately to mind.

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Well, I think this is officially my longest post! If any of you care to answer my questions for yourselves, send me the answers. I'd like to hear about your year/decade.

Besos